Phantom Cries

When Emily’s four-month-old baby boy died unexpectedly, Linda, an ICU baby nurse, told her, “You’ll hear him crying at night.” Although the words sounded harsh, Linda wanted to prepare the grief stricken mom for that possibility.

In the tiny casket, surrounded by small toys and teddy bears, Shane looked like a doll dressed in little boy clothes.The bears were a gift from a local group, Infants Remembered in Silence (IRIS), that supports grieving parents. An IRIS representative met the frantic, grieving couple at the emergency room and stayed with them while the doctors worked to resuscitate their baby.

IRIS practices the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT): “He [God] is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” Someone who has experienced a similar loss can relate in a way others cannot. They are the only ones who can say, “I understand your pain.”

The young pastor who led the funeral service read many comforting Scriptures reminding us of Jesus’ compassion and special love for children. We sang, “Jesus Loves Me” and “Children of the Heavenly Father.”

Friends transported the small casket to the hearse and then to the gravesite. Shane was buried next to his great grandparents, a comfort to his grandma, Lois. It was a beautiful spring day and the birds sang, almost as if they were welcoming Shane to their peaceful home.

As a believer, I’m reassured by the promise of Christ’s love and a home for us in Heaven with him. Lois envisioned her husband, the baby’s grandpa who is already a resident there, reaching out to take little Shane in his arms to welcome him home.

Emily’s sister, Amanda, stood behind her and Eric at the gravesite with a hand on each shoulder—a gesture which said, “We’re here for you; your family will walk this journey with you.”

It’s been said that losing a child is a parent’s worst nightmare; their world is  changed forever. Phantom cries will invade their dreams, and the loss of baby Shane, will always be with them.

“Comfort them, Jesus, in their grief; draw them close to you for strength and healing in the days and months ahead. Help me to remember them in my prayers.”

Preparing for Lent

In preparation for Lent I’ve been reading Scot McKnight’s book, “The Jesus Creed.” The author states two reasons why Jesus suffered and died on the cross: Christ’s suffering enabled him to fully identify with the human experience of pain and sorrow, and his death atoned for our sins so he could redeem us for his own.

“This grotesque suffering is God’s loving communication of sympathy in our physical suffering…. Jesus is with us—in our pain, in our suffering, in our ghoulish encounters with abuse, and in our injustices…he suffers with us.”

“Like the Passover lamb, Jesus claims that his death is vicarious as he represents us and substitutes for us. He experiences for us what we do not want but deserve (slavery and death), and provides for what we do want but don’t deserve (a life of freedom). By participating in his death, we are set free by his death.”

Twenty years ago, memories of some childhood abuse issues came back to haunt me. I counseled with my pastor who helped me face the pain of these suppressed memories. I also spent time by a lake reflecting, praying, and processing what I was learning. One day I prayed, “God, I feel like I’m drowning and going down for the third time. Please help!”

In my mind I heard Jesus say to me, “I know what you’re going through. I was rejected and abused by my own people too.” Those words assured me of his presence and gave me hope. I realized Jesus understood my pain.

In one of my counseling sessions a wave of shame passed through me; I felt dirty and disgusting. My pastor suggested I picture myself pulling off the mud that was caked on me and throwing it away. As I did that, I had another vision—that of Jesus on the cross, covered with the mud I’d just thrown off from me.

I was horrified, but he turned his head and looked at me with such compassion. Then I understood why he died. He took my sin and my shame (both my own and what others did to me) onto himself.

Although it was a painful time in my life, I learned to know and love Jesus in a deeper manner and to appreciate what he sacrificed for me so many years ago. McKnight’s words brought these memories of Jesus’ love and assurance back to me in a fresh way.

Made to Crave

Last summer a friend from church invited other women to join her in a six-week study of Lysa Terkeurst’s book, Made to Crave. Lanette had already lost over 120 pounds. Needless to say, she was an inspiration to us.

The title intrigued me. I certainly dealt with the desire for unhealthy foods and I often gave in to them. Even though I was only a few pounds over my desired weight, I knew I did not make the best choices in my daily diet. I wanted to get control of my sugar and carbohydrate addiction.

In her introduction Terkeurst writes, “It’s not the ‘how to’ I’m missing. It’s the want to…really wanting to make changes and deciding that the results of those changes are worth the sacrifice.” Right away I was hooked. Like the author, I knew the right way to eat; I just lacked the discipline to do so. I needed a new focus.

Another simple statement jumped out at me in Chapter One: “We crave what we eat.” She goes on to say, “God made us to crave.” Before the thought, “That’s not fair,” got too firmly entrenched in my mind, she adds, “The object of our craving was never supposed to be food or other things people find themselves consumed by, such as sex or money or chasing after significance.” We were made to crave—God.

Terkeurst realistically points out it takes time to reprogram our taste buds. The more veggies and fruits we eat, the more we will crave them. The opposite is also true. By continuing to eat cookies and brownies, or chips and dip, our body and mind will believe it needs that to feel good.

God gives us power through prayer and his word to strengthen our weak wills and to make healthier choices. A verse that I chose for my motto is: 1 Corinthians 6:12 “Everything is permissible for me…but not everything is beneficial…I will not be mastered by anything.” This helps me not to feel deprived. I tell myself, “I can eat that cookie, but it’s really not good for me.” Most of the time that works for me because my goal is not just to lose weight but also to be healthy. I don’t want to be obsessed with food and treats. I believe, as stated over and over in the book, we are made for more. We are made to have a strong, healthy body and a spirit that’s connected to a loving God who wants the best for us.

It’s a challenge to make the right choices day after day. I sometimes have to readjust my focus, away from feeling deprived, to wanting to please God with the choices I make. Terkeurst suggests using our cravings as a prompt to pray.

This journey will be different for each person. For me the focus is on eating healthier foods, especially in regard to snacking. Yesterday I walked into the store and my nose was assaulted by the smell of donuts. I had to walk by them twice to drop off my prescription and then again to pick it up. I breathed a prayer for help to resist this temptation and I walked away without them in my hands.

Although I still allow myself occasional treats, I don’t let my cravings rule me. The old way of thinking that I need unhealthy food to make me feel good is no longer an option for me. On the days when my focus wavers and I fail, I don’t beat myself up but turn to my loving Friend for his help and forgiveness.

God wants us to be free of anything that weighs us down and detracts us from him. I don’t enjoy my human weaknesses, but when I turn to him and claim his strength, it forges a stronger link in my walk with him.

With God’s help I am gradually gaining victory over the “cookie monster” who has lurked in my mind and body for too many years. Thankfully he has also provided resources such as this book to guide me in my journey.

Eating Humble Pie

I learned a lesson from my niece recently. She said, “In every sarcastic statement made by someone, even if it’s done in a teasing fashion, there’s a hint of truth.”

I was feeling impatient with her slow decision making while shopping, and I teasingly said to her, “Your mother and I are going to starve to death if you don’t make a decision soon.” Instead of hurrying the process, it made it worse. She tensed up and took even long.

Later I apologized. That’s when she made her statement to me. Her words stung, because I knew she was right. My impatience showed, even though I tried to mask it with humor.

I’m beginning to understand what the old saints from my childhood meant when they testified in church about how sinful they were. Back then I questioned, “What can they possibly be doing at their age that’s so terrible?” I knew they lived outwardly clean lives.

So now I’m one of the “old saints,” and my sinfulness shows in my attitude and actions at the most inconvenient times. It hurts others and embarrasses me.

Although I don’t enjoy being humbled, I find a little humbling is sometimes necessary to remind me not only of my sins, but also of my need to forgive others who irritate me by their humanity.

Thank God he is patient and forgiving to me.  I know I’ll need his grace and mercy for as long as I remain in this human shell.

 

She’s making her list and checking it twice…

The message on my Dove chocolate wrapping read, “Do all things in love.” So, in love, I savored my daily chocolate indulgence while sipping a cup of hot coffee! Aah, a simple pleasure that always perks me up.

I thought about this message as I continued on with my activities for the day. Preparing for Christmas usually involves a lot of effort and a long “to do” list. Like everyone else, I get tired and wonder if it’s all necessary.

For myself, I could eliminate some of the preparations. But would that affect the happiness of others? My husband, Drew, loves a fresh Christmas tree. We don’t actually cut our own, but it still involves bundling up and traipsing through tree lots in search of just the right tree. After we cart it home, Drew lies on the floor and tries to harness it into the stand. My job is to hold on to it, and when it’s secure, step back to make sure it’s straight. Sometimes Drew loses patience with me if I take too long or am not specific enough in my instructions. In those moments I think about how much easier it must be to put up an artificial tree with the lights already attached. I wouldn’t have to water it daily either! But I do it because it makes my husband happy.

Then there are the Christmas cards to write out and mail, after the Christmas letter is written (my job). I know others appreciate receiving our greeting, just as I appreciate theirs. So I do it for that reason. Many of our traditions are probably preserved more out of love than anything. We know others would miss it if we stopped.

One year I didn’t bake our Christmas morning Bubble Bread and my grown children loudly protested! I didn’t realize they still cared. So now, each year I make a loaf or two to enjoy Christmas morning, along with the sweet soup Drew makes, one of his childhood traditions. He also makes krumkake, a Scandinavian pastry. Our son, Andrew, comes early to help him—a gesture of love on his part.

The time and effort we expend to do something kind for someone: taking a plate of goodies to a person unable to do their own baking, a meal to someone who’s ill, contributing to charities (especially those that help the hungry or vulnerable individuals)—to spread the joy of the season and show Christ’s love, is even more important.

As we give to others, we are blessed in return. I visited a friend yesterday to encourage her in the midst of her health problems; instead she encouraged me by her appreciation, not only for my visit, but also by the way she recounted all her blessings from God. Even though, physically, she’s unable to “do” for others, she is still using what she has to show love. Her short email message afterwards made me glad I made time to visit her.

Often we say, “it’s the little things that count,” but we may not always believe that, especially if our “to do” list looms large and long in our mind’s eye. However, as we search our memories, generally what stands out is someone’s effort to help or cheer us when we needed it.

This may be a good time to reassess our activities to decide if we are doing them because we genuinely care about other people, we enjoy preserving our traditions, or if we are just trying to impress others. Even if our reasons for doing things are positive, we may still need to adjust our attitude and not grumble about how busy we are.

I think we all enjoy and desire attention, so don’t forget to show yourself a little love by enjoying a special treat and a few moments of relaxation! It may just give us enough of a boost to finish up that pesky list.

A Lesson in Patience

My dad was one of the most patient, loving, persons I’ve known. Even with his seven children, he rarely lost his temper. My youngest brother with Down syndrome required a tremendous amount of patience and Dad was the person who worked with him most effectively.

In one area of his life however, his usual patient attitude fell by the wayside. He hated being sick. Whenever he landed in the hospital, his first question to the doctor was “When can I go home?” Our pastor once teased him, “You know, by the time a guy reaches eighty, you’d think he’d have learned all there is to know about patience!”

Even though I’m still a ways from eighty, I recently discovered I’ve got a lot to learn in that area as well. This fall I spent two weeks at our daughter’s home with her family, which included a new baby girl. Sonja had a C section and needed help with the older children, while she concentrated on feeding her new little one, and recuperating from surgery.

I loved being there to watch the response of her five-year-old daughter and three-year-old son when they met their new sister. My grandson literally jumped up and down and clapped his hands in excitement when I told him that baby Anya had arrived safe and sound. He kept saying, “She’s born—baby Anya is born!” Then, he raced to the garage to see if Daddy had brought them home yet.

At the hospital when Mirana and Iskandar met their new sister for the first time, I cried over their sweet innocence and sense of awe at how tiny her head, hands, and feet were.

After just two days in the hospital, Sonja and the new baby came home. The children’s excitement was palpable as they exuberantly welcomed Mommy and baby home.

In the next few days the reality of how their lives had changed began to set in. They wanted their mom to take care of them like they were used to. When Grandma tried to help them, they sometimes responded with, “No, I want Mommy.”

Negotiating with children has never been my strong suit, and at times my impatience won out. That was frustrating to me, as well as them. How do you teach patience when you don’t respond that way yourself?

I felt pulled between their needs, their demands on their mama who desperately needed her rest, and my own struggle to keep the peace in order to truly be helpful to my daughter. I love my grandchildren dearly, and was disappointed with my lack of patience and endurance.

A recent article published in the Faith and Fellowship, “Faithful to the End,” by Anthony Karlik, hit home to me. He said that all believers want to hear these words of Jesus when we arrive home in Heaven someday, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Then he related some of his struggles with fear, anxiety, and lack of patience in the midst of trials.

After being hit by a car on his motorcycle, he endured multiple surgeries, weeks in the hospital, and therapy to strengthen his shattered foot and leg. He said, “Throughout this process I went through every emotion known to man. From anger with God to rage against the one who hit me…and when I could finally fight no more, the only faithful one, our Lord Jesus, came to minister to me. When I hear the passage, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant,’ I hang my head in shame because I am not worthy to be called that. But Jesus, knowing our condition, does not leave us in that state of brokenness.”

The words of Paul in Romans 8:2 are an encouragement to all believers: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because the law of the Spirit, alive in Christ Jesus, has set me free from the law of sin and death.” Although all of us will continue to face trouble in our lives, we have a faithful Savior who will be with us, and one day when all is said and done, he will faithfully come for us.

My two-week stay with my daughter’s family was a wonderful opportunity to get to know my grandchildren better and to experience their environment, both at home and at school. As I helped get them ready for school, drove them there, and picked them up each afternoon, I could appreciate more of my daughter’s world too.

It brought back memories of my days as a young mom, the joys as well as the frustrations. However, I was a stay-at-home mom while Sonja works full time. I worry about how she will manage it all once she returns to work.

While it will be difficult, I am confident she’ll do just fine. I reminded her that I had to rely on God for his strength to get me through my days, and she’ll need to do that more and more too.

So even though I sometimes fail in my patience, God forgives me and helps me to continue on with my journey of learning and growing in His love. Even if it takes me to age eighty and beyond to learn the lesson of patience!

All God’s Children

I witnessed a tender scene this morning while waiting for the traffic light to change. As a young couple waited to walk across the street, the man reached his arm out and gave his sweetie a quick hug. Then he playfully slapped his glove at her. She responded by lightly slapping his arm. Soon the light changed and we all went on our way.
I know the woman from the work-out facility I attend. She lives in a group home and although she’s partially disabled, she strives to do her best. Occasionally she talks about her boyfriend and how much he likes her, so it was fun for me to witness his affection, unbeknownst to her.
My youngest brother has Down syndrome and he was always a happy, loving child. He too talked about his girlfriends at the group home where he lived.
We tend to think love and romance are for “normal” people and don’t attribute the same emotions to those who are developmentally challenged. Yet, perhaps their capacity to love is heightened by their lack in other areas. Their focus is probably less distracted too by the busyness of life.
I’m glad I had a glimpse into the life of my acquaintance from Curves, not just to tease her when I see her again, but as a gentle reminder that God created all of us and He loves us deeply. All are special to Him.